


The Jooster Diaries (excerpts)

by who_is_small



Category: Jeeves & Wooster
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-04
Updated: 2010-03-04
Packaged: 2017-10-07 17:24:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/67372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/who_is_small/pseuds/who_is_small
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jeeves & Wooster diaries are based on concept of <a href="http://www.ealasaid.com/misc/vsd/">The Very Secret Diary of... (LOTR)</a>.</p>
<p><a href="http://mxdp.livejournal.com">Mxdp</a> raised a challenge to write one on her lj. I bit. So did number of others. Saturday night geeky fun! Who needs life?!</p>
<p>Anyhoo, these are my bits, so to speak. I strongly recommend checking out the diary entries of the other chaps and chapettes, either at the <a href="http://mxdp.livejournal.com/27265.html"><b>scene of the crime</b></a> or <b><a href="http://community.livejournal.com/indeedsir/695139.html">here</a></b>. They include hilarious POVs of Stilton Cheesewright, Barmy Fotheringay-Phipps, Roderick Spode, Cyril Bassington-Bassington, Bingo Little and many others, including, of course, the great Jeeves and Wooster themselves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Jooster Diaries (excerpts)

  
** From the Secret Diary of Gussie Fink-Nottle **

**MONDAY**  
Still desp. in love with Madeline. Unable to speak to Goddess.

Maybe to introduce Miracles of Nature? Able to speak fluently on subj.

**TUESDAY**  
Showed Madeline aquatic larvae of newt.

Did not seem v. impressed though. Maybe if I elaborate?

**WEDNESDAY**  
Luckily found Madeline in the garden. Seemed glad to see me.

Decided to hasten with action as not wanting to lose my nerves to love shivers again. Introduced larvae´s ability to regenerate eyes, spinal cords, intestines &amp; lower &amp; upper jaws. V. interesting, as cells at the site of the injury reproduce rapidly.

Sadly, Madeline v. cold and hastened to the house as not to catch sniffles.

Bally weather!!!

**THURSDAY**  
Situation v. serious. Madeline seems to shy from my comp. Have not the foggiest why. Oh, Women!!! Why are you not more like Newts??!

Spode stomping around like black menace with hairy knees.

**FRIDAY**  
Situation v., v. serious indeed. Inquiries via domestic stuff re: Madeline´s hobbies revealed fondness for fluffy bunnies. Now we are getting somewhere!!

Spode sitch. continues to rattle spirits.

**SATURDAY**  
Disaster. Am at loss, complete desp. wrecking my soul. Sun shining merrily. Wish it would sod off. My eyes have no use for light.

Sadly, did not manage to catch fluffy bunny as said f. b. v., v. fast bugger. But!! Have much better substitute.

Managed to corner Madeline by the pond. Showed her a common garter snake with lovely yellow stripes. V. interesting, as toxin resistant garter snakes the only known animals able to devour a T. granulosa newt and survive. Dear girl fainted from happiness.

Was just trying to address sitch re: reviving tender goddess &amp; not losing garter snake, when was brutishly attacked by insane Spode who wildly emerged from shrubbery.

Was thrown out of house.

Madeline locked in.

Glasses broken.

Have a desperate Plan.

**SUNDAY**  
Desperate P. failed as sadly Ultimate Gift - firebelly newt with generous supply of chopped-up blood worms - locked with Madeline in house. Am baffled. At a loss.

Made a list of Credits and Debits, as Bertie swears to it. Do not know so much about that as Bertie a fat-headed dolt of first order. Am frantic though.

**Debit:** Yesterday´s hassle with gorilla-sized dictator disastrous as self chucked to pond.

**Credit:** Cold splash helped revive Madeline miraculously.

**Debit:** Madeline immediately attacked by nervous garter snake who has had enough.

**Credit:** Wide-eyed Madeline v., v. pretty.

**Debit:** And you saw her much what with glasses being broken.

**Credit:** Pathetic sight possibly touched girlish heart with sympathy?

**Debit:** Grimly suspect my attractiveness might have sustained a considerable leak. Not that there was much of it to begin with. Am desolate. Love Madeline feverishly. Spode disgustingly triumphant.

**Credit:** …

**Debit:** Bertie is a chump. He and his idiotic lists. What does he know about women.

**Credit:** Well, he _was_ engaged sixty-four times since last August. You might learn something after all.

**Debit: **Not married though.

**Credit:** But that was due to fiendishly clever machinations of Jeeves. Now HERE is the chap to help me!!

**TO LONDON!!!**

  
** V. V. secret diary of McIntosh the Dog **

**MONDAY**  
Got stuck again with that chump Wooster as Goddess on vacation. At least he smells nice.

**TUESDAY**  
Locked in Iron Battle of Wills with the valet as per usual. Dark tensions ensue as valet embarrassed when self piddles in public places. Well what else are they for. I ask you.

Valet needs to sort out his priorities pronto.

**WEDNESDAY**  
Not much to report. Eau de Wooster smelling nice, continues to sooth my frazzled nerves.

Piddled on carpet to gain advantage in BoW.

**THURSDAY**  
Day brought sad tidings as vengeful valet withheld dinner re: carpet. I will show him.

**FRIDAY**  
Had a great singing session with Wooster who appreciates obvious talents of self. Am fond of Wooster, though he is such chump.

Valet too close to Wooster for my liking.

BoW currently at a tie.

**SATURDAY**  
Growl at valet every time said v. wraps his loathsome self around my friend Wooster. How the man can abide him, I have not the slightest idea. He may have read Spinoza, but so have I.

Won the BoW as bite on strategic place v., v. effective when said place not sheltered by clothing. Take this, valet´s gluteal muscles. Muahaha.

**SUNDAY**  
All day suffering strongly re: locked in closet. Ate bright emerald paisley tie for vengeance. That will show you, valet!

  
** Foodie diary of Mr. Hildebrand "Tuppy" Glossop **

**MONDAY**  
Breakfast: cereal w/milk, porridge, poached eggs, hash browns, bacon, sausages, mushrooms, kippers, beans, black pudding, cheese. French toast w. marmalade. Light meal, but ascetic restrain necessary as tennis practice afoot. Angela has been sarcastic lately.

Made up for the light fare at lunch, though.

Angela´s new hat makes her look like raccoon peering from under flowerpot. Claims is not so. Miffed with yours truly.

Women are irrational.

**TUESDAY**  
Lunch:  
_Mousse de Saumon et Câpres_  
Filet mignon aux Oignons  
Gratin dauphinois  
Plateau de fromages et salade verte  
Crème caramel 

Angela still miffed. Will not budge. Have my pride. Insist she looks like raccoon in hat.

Dinner delicious.

**WEDNESDAY**  
Bertie arrived in twoseater to steal something for Aunt D. again. I do not know how he puts up with it.

Angela still miffed.

_Sylphides à la crême d'écrevissess et Mousse au Chocolat_ made me feel a little better re: sitch. Second helping of dessert as chocolate cure for broken heart. Mmmm.

**THURSDAY**  
Dinner:  
_Salade d'Endives, Noix et Roquefort_  
Gratinée de Coquilles St Jacques  
Onglet à l'Echalotte - Fondue de Poireaux  
Plateau de fromages et salade verte  
Clafoutis aux Abricots  
Bombe Nero 

Need I say more?!

Bertie in prison. I do not know how he puts up with it.

Angela still miffed.

Thought I saw her in garden this evening but when jumped up at her from bushes, quickly realised was kissing a v. surprised raccoon. Luckily no one saw.

**FRIDAY**  
Am looking forward to lunch.

Jeeves arrived from holiday. About time, I´d say. Bertie walking around house like pale ghost until arrested. A. Dahlia´s scheme ghastly even for her usual frightful standard.

Angela still miffed. Attempts re: reconciliation failed dismally. Little blister called me fatto. AM NOT FAT!!!

**SATURDAY**  
Bertie freed from prison. Angela sitch. solved most satisfactorily. Jeeves marvel with brain size of Worcestershire.

Promised Angela to dinner lightly as olive branch must be offered. Jeeves adamant about this. Smell of steak and kidney pie torturing yours truly in harrowing fashion.

**SUNDAY**  
Last night´s raid of larder yielded most satisfactory results.

Crept around Bertie´s room. Heard Jeeves bossing him about undressing. I know the man is a genius, but limits are limits in my op. Bertie did not seem to mind though. Spineless weakling.

When sneaking back, moaning noises heard from room. Bertie clearly suffers, yet does not apply firm hand re: manservant!

I do not know how he puts up with it.

  
** V. v. secret diary of Dahlia Travers (née Wooster) **

**MONDAY**  
Dear diary,

if I ever again come up with such an idiotic plan as to run a weekly newspaper for women, be a dear and give me a paper cut.

Tom blasted Portarlington bally Travers plain refused to cough up another five hundred for Milady's Boudoir. Dough sorely needed. Rag in doldrums.

Angela´s new hat caused a rift between her and young fathead Glossop. Again. Wonder why she keeps buying them as every new hat equals broken engagement. Romantic child seems to need her adrenaline. Well, I miss the old hunting days as well. How amazing was the rush of chase!

Need address sitch. re: missing wealth. Possibly gambling?

**TUESDAY**  
Summoned Bertie with view of arranging trifling errand in shape of minor burglary in Tom´s loot. When returning lost treasure, the poor dear is sure to lavish the goods as overcome with gratitude. To ensure good tidings, Bertie could shoot himself in a foot as apprehending imaginary criminal.

What a wonderful idea!

**WEDNESDAY**  
Loony nephew glad to seek shelter at Brinkley as Agatha having the rabies again. Jeeves playing shrimping pirate and will arrive on Friday. Ah, well. V., v. happy to see the young blot, especially re: trifling errand. Have prepared the gun.  
On the other hand, caution is called for. When the two get here, I cannot make a careless step lest I fall over them engaging in infatuated shenanigans. Holding hands and suchlike. Revolting moony expression of young blot´s face continues to hunt my dreams. Not nice.

Shall have to issue nolle prosequi re: young chaps love.

**THURSDAY**  
Changed my mind re: young chaps love after to considerable surprise of self saw Tuppy kissing a raccoon in a rose garden. What is the world coming to. Do not think Angela´s heart in danger of breakage as the young hound did not seem to enjoy tender pash.

At all.

Also, plan in tatters as idiot nephew got bunged into chokey. Again.

**FRIDAY**  
Thank heavens, Jeeves is here, head bulging out at the back and eyes shining with intelligence. At my plaintive cries for immediate action he raised an eyebrow. Well, almost.

Have asked Anatole for three hefty fish courses for dinner.

**SATURDAY**  
Tom coughed up. Angela and Tuppy buried the hatchet. Blot disfiguring countryside again. Jeeves a genius!

**SUNDAY**  
Drat and curses! Am paying the price for my sins as grounds of Brinkley seem infested with tender passions once again. Even Seppings behaves strangely, skulking furtively around the kitchens. Do not even want to know what that is about.

The raccoon came back last night and is lurking behind bushes with hope in his eyes.

Should probably warn Tuppy.

On the other hand, will not. Self sorely in need of a few hearty laughs after all this. Am going to dig up the old field glass and send the young hound to the gardens under false pretext.

Will love to see a proper chase again!

THE END

...OR IS IT?!

_Pssst. Check the link in the summary. Lots of guilty people, indeed, sir._


End file.
